That I can’t reach
So I whisper your name
In my sleep.
‘N time isn’t giving me,
The space that I need.
But you know at this pace,
I don’t think I can pull into the lead.”
In this moment, I’m tired. The aforementioned struggles have been fought while I still get up in the morning and go to work. My job is demanding, but I love it — I love it enough to let it take me from my family 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes more).
Finally we return to something that looks vaguely like the life we had. There are still many questions needing answers, but there is a familiarity returning to the day-to-day on my end. Yet, I can feel “it” still within me. It’s is in the clenching of my jaw when someone shares their relief that the nightmare is “over”. It’s in my throat every time I look at a recent photo of Vampboy at school, when I feel as though I may burst into tears right then and there. It’s in the fear that crosses my mind in the darkness of the night, as he snuggles next to me looking for a safety he doesn’t realize I can’t actually provide.
It’s getting heavier with age.
It is the boulder in my stomach.
It’s the avalanche in my veins.”
What is “it”? It’s what this experience has done to me. I am the classic “hero” — willing and able to stretch myself to the breaking point to save the world, all the while functioning on fumes and a healthy dose of denial about how sad, angry or messed up I feel inside. I am also keenly aware what happens to heroes if they don’t take their time to fall apart. It would be easy for me to bury myself in my fantabulous job and fill every waking moment outside of work running errands, making dinner, putting Vampboy to bed, visiting friends and family, etcetera, etcetera. Then, eventually, what is stuffed neatly in a corner of my heart would escape from its cage and tear me apart, along with anyone within a mile radius of me. I know better than to allow it to get to that level. So, since it looks like Vampboy is okay for the moment, it’s time for Vampdaddy to take care of his eternal self.
I want to bury it beside the road.
I will sit there until it comes out of me
I’ll be freezing in the summer desert cold.”
There will be some writing — but it will not be here. There are some things I need to document, experiences I need to put down, feelings I need to articulate that are not for this venue. They will find their own home, I’m sure – and I have no doubt that some day they will reach your eyes and you will once again share with me your grace and kindness.
This is my fancy way of saying that “off the grid” also means that I am taking a break from the blog. Not for long — I expect to have some witty post prepared to kick off 2008. But December is for me, and I’m hoping to let my soul guide me through my own process for awhile. I promise I will break my silence should I have something to share regarding Vampboy’s life and journey, so keep checking back — but no news will be good news should it remain quiet here.
To you all I extend my warmest wishes for a December full of joy for you and yours. I have written before of my gratitude for everyone that has helped make my blog a sanctuary for me, and for the gifts both literal and figurative that you have offered to my family. My feelings on that matter, and for each of you, remain steadfast. I look forward to a return to Vampdaddy in a few weeks with renewed energy, spirit, and fun stories to share about the outcome of Vampboy’s ever-growing Christmas list (there’s a six-foot tall inflatable snowman on it at the moment).
The journey continues…..
From wherever we are.
Somehow we get there –
No matter how far”